| I still remember |
[Jan. 17th, 2008|02:23 am] |
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It's funny how a few seemingly innocent words can, with time, become something incredibly infuriating. What's up with that? How can my mind do that to itself? I wish I could just be, wish I could say nothing ever caused me to lose control of my emotions. Apparently though, I hide it pretty well yet oddly enough I think people can easily see what's truly floating around in my head. I'd like to think I was a good person, that I did things for the simple feeling that I did a good deed. But I'm not really all that sure anymore, maybe I do the things I do just to feel liked. I'm sure that plays a part in it. Actually I'm sure it does, yet I know I do good things because it makes me feel good. It's like the Ghandi qoute "Be the change you want to see in the world" and while I know that most of the American population are decent people I still for some niave reason think maybe I do make a difference in someones life. And I think I just realized that I keep telling myself I'm a bad person, when honestly I'm a decent human being. I may be half stupid and lacking common sense but I know I have a good heart. Maybe that's why I live like I do, to be reassured that I'm a good person. Maybe I need to realize that I know that, I don't need someone else to tell me. Weird how emotions can change for seemingly no reason. Today started off pretty well, got worse around the evening time, pretty bad during the late night, and now I just feel content. Things just feel simple. Well, I guess i should just end this delightful ramble. I'm beautiful, you're beautiful, most everyone in the world is beautiful. Not for the presentation they deliver to the world, but for the person they become when they realize they can relax and let their gaurd down. Yeah, I got enough love in me for all of this world right now... and hugs... I haven't had a decent hug in awhile. I love myself for who I am, and I hope people who haven't found the beauty in themselves find it. |
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| Trouble Spots |
[Dec. 4th, 2007|11:32 pm] |
It's been awhile... why though? I've had so much on my mind and yet it never seems to come out. I mean things have changed. So much that I'm still not sure exactly what's going on, feels almost like my mind wants to just breathe. It's as if my soul feels dirty, and how the hell do you fix that? I'm really not sure where I'm going with that. Maybe I just miss what things back home and haven't actually realized this yet. But how can I miss stagnation, sitting at home with nothing to do other than hold a job. How the hell do you miss that? Maybe it was familiarity, something I was so used to. Not to say my current situation is shit, I really do love it out here. Great city, great friends, decent job, and I'm actually doing something with myself. Maybe I'm worried things are going too well. I can already feel myself starting to sabatauge things. I just can't fucking turn my insecurities or my paranoia off. It's horrible to see your own problem and not be able to defeat it. Man, this is shit. To tell you the truth I just feel like shit and I don't know why. Just keep wondering what the fuck is wrong with me and why I can't just be happy. There's nothing for me to be down about, and it's extremely frustrating to be thrown in this hole by my own fucking self. And no one knows what's wrong with me, but it just feels to me like there is something wrong. Something people can just pinpoint in me that just screams piece of shit. So I guess it really does go back to my own insecurities projecting themselves. fuck... i think i hate myself. that's an extremely unnerving thought, to actually hate yourself. huh, my money's on ill wake up tomorrow and be fine. That seems to be the pattern I have going at the moment.
By the way, I love you ALL and even though I haven't said it I miss you all very much. Can't think of a better adjective than very so just multiply that by like 30. |
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| Simplicity, I guess |
[Sep. 2nd, 2007|02:53 am] |
Why do my moods always shift when it gets dark? I used to not even mind it, used to prefer the night time to be honest. Now it's just got this darkening effect on me. Maybe a psychologist could give me some bullshit one size fits all answer. Maybe I'm just human. Could that be it, as much as I try I can't seem to shake that part of me. I can't let some stranger see what's really going on inside my head, and why. What is it that's so scary about that? Why is it in human nature to be afraid of pointless nothings like this? Fear of rejection maybe? Of what people might think if they found out things only you should know? Is it self preservation, to feel you have to blend in rather than stand out. Not with a fashion, or cliched quirks you can tell yourself that make you feel special. Cause let's face it, theres billions of people on this planet and no matter what anybody says there is atleast one person like you. Really there should be thousands, but everyone is too fucking afraid to actually be a human being. It always makes me think of the "emo" scene. Why are these people so hated? Because they do whatever the hell it is they do? Who gives a fucking shit. Better they cry to themselves than to kill someone or rape an innocent person. Or is it really that these morons who count them as nothing but trash are so insecure with who they truly are? And ya know what, I just don't care anymore. There's no point in getting myself worked up over things that have been going on for thousands of years. Live your life how ever you want. All this, you only get one life so live it up! shit drives me insane. Cliches drive me insane, that's all this fucking world is full of. People emulate others way too much. That's whats wrong with this world. If you're not happy with how you're life is going change it. Don't fucking run, well unless you're trying to lose weight I guess, do something about it. You make a mistake, who gives a shit. You got defensive and can't say you were wrong, be honest with yourself and try your best. Or don't. That's the beauty of free will.
Meh, I've run out of steam. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm a self absorbed ass but that's ok. I'm human, just like everyone else.
R.I.P to the guy from Paso who died. Didn't know him but that doesn't really matter. |
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| You never know |
[Aug. 19th, 2007|01:38 am] |
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Tonight... tonight I prayed. I prayed for god or whatever the forces that exist in this sandbox to please make Jack thompson shut the fuck up. |
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| They say the eyes have it... |
[Aug. 1st, 2007|10:21 pm] |
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I went to the fair alone tonight. It was weird. Those are horribley writen sentences, but true none the less. That and I think that's actually supposed to be one word. Even though the rides always sucked, I was always excited. Always, and I think I just now realized why, it was sharing a good time with friends. I used to think I never really needed friends but as time moves on, I find myself getting bored and wishing I had a friend to bullshit with. I guess I miss it more than I like to admit. Although I prefer being alone to hanging out with the wrong people, sometimes a guy gets desperate for interaction. Screwed up thing is people take me way to seriously based on first impressions, all I truly want is for people to lighten up and just be lame. I want people to be more honest with the poeple around them and with themselves, to not even think that anyone around them is judging them. If poeple were like this I honestly believe the whole clique bullshit would just stop. People wouldn't have to worry about how their hair looks or what clothes they got or any of that kind of bullshit. But no, there's too much insecurity and anger in the world. Too many people taking things people say way too seriously and throwing shit over nothing. Then again when I say people maybe I mean myself. *I step away from the mic to breathe in... |
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| Self-esteem, who needs it.... right? |
[Jul. 28th, 2007|09:55 pm] |
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At times, I wonder if my self image really bad or if I'm just bored and tired. Or possibly, just use the things in my life to distract me from what I actually feel about myself. Maybe it's just tht my self esteem is tied to all the wrong things. It's like there's a warzone inside my head, one side saying I'm not that bad of a person and the other that contradicts whatever the other has to say. Sadly, I don't know which side is correct. Both have decent points and counter points to everything. It can just loop over and over and I can't really begin to figure things out. So I ask for something to help guide me, but maybe this is the time in my life where I've got to make my own decisions. Things were going good too, had a vacation where I saw a lot of self improvement in me and met a cousin who seemed to kinda have a personality similar to mine. Seemed like she needed to someone to honestly talk with, and god knows I do too. So hopefully she doesn't get bored of my bullshit and we both can truly let our minds relax. Then again, I'm more than likely over thinking this, but life may just be simpler than I believe it to be. Wouldn't that be nice? |
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| Those paintings, you know the ones |
[Jul. 5th, 2007|02:08 am] |
He wanted to be an astronaut, well not really an astronaut, he just didn't want to feel gravity holding him down. To jump and just float down with no sudden impact to bring him back to earth. He thought of it as driving without any particular destination, the thought alone was beauty to him. Funny how he ended up as a clown.
He knew the answer though, it rang in his head every day he woke up. Every time he put on his face paint he heard it, every balloon he twisted was filled with it. Love, acceptance, friends, attention, to be needed. Instead he had become a monkey, an object people used for entertainment when people were bored. 4 years of it all and nothing had turned out the way he thought it would.
Still always alone, fighting for some reason to exist.He reasoned that everyone was thinking the same thing. That everyone also had a face to put on to get through their lives. But how was that an excuse? He'd push the thought out of his mind. Either he was too burnt out, too down, not strong enough, not good enough, or just not worth it.
His face was on now, sad how he had become accustomed to something that was once so degrading. It was routine now though to get his pants, suspenders, gloves, bow-tie, coat, hat, then paint on his frown and tears. Then out the door for another day, yet today he stalled. In front of the door he began to feel something was wrong. He waited, then remembered he had forgot his bag. |
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| Nuetrality |
[Jul. 3rd, 2007|02:56 am] |
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Forgot to thank you for the food. I liked it semi crunchy... |
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| You can never trust a magic 8 ball |
[Jun. 23rd, 2007|11:44 pm] |
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So... life's kinda decent right now. Things seem to be easing up in every area of my life. Parents are pretty content, work is becoming less of "I need a fucking cigarette right now", guitaring has improved rapidly ( lessons seriously do help ), and the only thing I'm missing that I honestly think I need is a female. Even though that sounds pretty possesive, it's true. Got my eye on the girl that works next door. Unfortunatly I'm too chicken shit to really ya know, talk to her. The last thing I think I said to her was, "Is it sticky?" Real fucking smooth. Don't know her name, age, or even is she has a boyfriend. The truly pathetic thing though is that I've been consulting my advice giver (AKA a magic 8 ball). The thing is just fucking with me. That and it thinks that it is retarded. I asked! It totally said yes. Conversations with with in the form of only questions has proved to be truly entertaining. Yeah, I've been bored. Not even sure why I'm posting this, guess I think that whatever is out there perhaps may come upon this and cut me some slack. I extremely bad at this sort of stuff. Then again if all else fails, I got word that I'm getting a work uniform. Maybe she'll be totally turned on by my bright green workshirt. Who knows, stranger things have happened. |
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| I can die happy |
[Jun. 14th, 2007|12:41 pm] |
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I beat jordan on expert... i beat jordan on expert... I beat it on expert... next up, the second coming of christ |
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